


Lives are Living Strange

by myownpatronus



Series: Champagne Supernova [4]
Category: 9-1-1: Lone Star (TV 2020)
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Past Drug Addiction, S02E02 spoilers, Survivor Guilt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-01
Updated: 2021-02-01
Packaged: 2021-03-12 20:02:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,981
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29141205
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/myownpatronus/pseuds/myownpatronus
Summary: Following the events of S02E02, TK turns to three sources for comfort: his father, his NA support group, and Carlos.Part of my Champagne Supernova series, but can be read alone.
Relationships: Carlos Reyes/TK Strand, Owen Strand & TK Strand
Series: Champagne Supernova [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1971712
Comments: 4
Kudos: 101





	Lives are Living Strange

TK hadn’t meant to stop attending meetings. He’d really enjoyed them, finding a much more open-minded group than he’d ever imagined he would in a church basement in Texas of all places. But with COVID, when everything went virtual, the meetings just weren’t the same. No one turned on their cameras. Everyone was hesitant to speak. And somehow, strangely, a meeting over a webcam felt far less anonymous than meeting in person.

He was spending more time at the station and figured that now that everyone knew his past, it was a good enough replacement for the meetings he was missing. So when he stopped logging in on Wednesdays at 7, it took a while for him to notice a difference.

But today… today had been different. Everyone sat in the break room looking shell shocked, and TK couldn’t help but feel guilt rise within him. They’d all been here before, felt this grief before - for him. And, no, he hadn’t _actually_ died, but it had been touch and go for a while there apparently. And now seeing his friends, his team, his _family,_ experience that again, he realized just what he had put them through.

The logical voice in the back of his head reminded him that it hadn’t been his fault. He hadn’t _meant_ to get shot. But that couldn’t overpower the illogically spiraling anxiety that gripped him.

He abruptly stood, wincing as his chair squeaked against the floor, and walked out of the room without a word. He thought about calling Carlos, then froze. He remembered something a shrink had told him years ago, about how his loved ones should be his support system but not his baggage handlers. Who was his baggage handler now?

His fingers hovered over a name he’d entered into his phone months ago when he was new in Austin, but had never called: Brian NA.

“Hello?”

“Hey, it’s TK. From NA. You gave me your number and said to call if I needed it?”

“Yeah of course. Are you okay?”

“I’m -” he paused. “No.”

“Okay. It’s good that you can recognize that. Where are you? Are you safe?”

“Yeah, I’m - I’m at work. Something happened. And I just - I realized that I haven’t been to a meeting in ages and I think I need to be around people who get it you know? It’s just been tough these last few months and tonight...” he trailed off, unable to say the words aloud.

“I get it,” Brian said. “I’ve struggled too. Sometimes I wonder what the point of staying sober is with the world going to hell in a handbasket. And that’s exactly what group is for. I’m glad you called.”

“Me too. Listen, I know we’re supposed to be socially distanced but I need a meeting and I just can’t do Zoom right now. Do you know of any that are happening in person? Preferably tonight?”

Brian breathed out over the line, and TK’s heart dropped. He was a first responder, he knew better than anyone the risk of in-person meetings. Plus, he would just put anyone else there at risk. But he needed this.

“Not off the top of my head,” Brian said. “But I can call around. Stay around people, okay? I know you mentioned coming clean to your work friends, so let them know if you need anything. I’ll get back to you, okay?”

“Yeah. Thanks,” TK said, trying to infuse the words with as much appreciation as he could.

He took a shower to wile away the minutes. He needed to be alone right now, or at least, not with his friends. When he got out, his father was at the mirror, ostensibly moisturizing. If TK didn’t know his father and his routine so well, he’d actually believe that it was mere coincidence.

“I’m fine dad. I’m not going to do anything stupid.” He didn’t even have to look at his dad to know that Owen had opened his mouth to speak.

“TK,” Owen said, “it’s fine if you aren’t okay. I can imagine that this is stirring up a lot in you. It would make sense if you felt that you needed to-”

“Dad. I’ve made it through six months of pandemic, including living in the same home as both my parents, without relapsing. I’m fine.” He paused for a long moment. “Plus, I called a friend. About a meeting.”

Owen sputtered for a moment. “Oh. That’s - that’s great, TK. You know you could talk to me, too, right?”

“Not about this, dad. I know you mean it, but this is… different. You don’t know what it’s like.”

“I know what survivor’s guilt is like.”

TK froze.

“Nineteen years ago, I survived and too many of my department, my brothers and sisters, didn’t. I finally thought that with the cancer, I was getting some sort of cosmic balance. And here I am, nearly cancer free. I got out scot free. Again.”

TK looked up from his towel, waiting for his dad to continue.

“Six months ago, Tim helped Michelle to save your life. You are back at work, 100%, maybe even better than you were before. And he’s dead.”

TK’s breath caught in his throat. How did his dad always know exactly what was on his mind? Was he that transparent?

“It’s _not_ your fault. And you trading places with him wouldn’t do any good either, so don’t even bother suggesting that.”

TK nodded, shocked that his father had so quickly come to the root of the issue. He was saved from responding by the chiming of his cell phone.

“Hello?”

“Hey, TK. I talked with some people and there’s a meeting tonight at Community Christian Church. Starts in an hour.”

“Thanks, Brian,” TK said. “I - I really need this.”

Owen looked satisfied when TK hung up the phone. Maybe he knew that he had gotten through to TK, or maybe he just figured that even if he hadn’t, TK was still doing all the right things anyway.

“C’mon,” Owen said, tossing a tee shirt at TK’s head. “I’ll give you a ride.”

* * *

There was no coffee, no stale cookies. The table had instead been filled with extra masks, gloves, hand sanitizer, and wipes. Ten chairs were spaced almost comically far apart in the church basement. 

Despite all that, TK hadn’t felt this comfortable outside of his home in a while, and not just because of the pandemic.

He took a wipe to his chair and settled in.

Even with all the differences, the fact that it was a smaller group, the lack of small talk and socializing, the masks muffling everyone’s voices, it still felt familiar to TK. When the leader of the group asked if anyone had anything to share, he raised his hand without thinking.

“Hi, I’m TK,” he began. “It’s been a while since I’ve been to one of these. I just - I had a bad day at work. I’m a firefighter,” he explained. “And you may have seen on the news that there was some crazy shit going down today. Volcanoes and all that. My crew - we were called out and… It was a bunch of college kids. I can’t even blame them for ignoring the rules and safety precautions, because right now all I want is something normal, too… One of our paramedics got hit with a giant piece of lava. He, um, he didn’t… That was it. There wasn’t anything we could do for him.”

TK paused, taking a deep breath. “Throughout this whole pandemic, I’ve been busier than ever, so I never even really felt the pressure to use. But tonight… Tim, he saved my life a few months back. And tonight I just had to stand there, and realize that I barely even knew the guy. I just wanted to be able to turn everything off.”

A woman across the room spoke up. “I can’t even imagine how scary it is, to do what you do. Under normal circumstances, you’re putting your life on the line every day. And now, it’s even more dangerous.”

TK nodded. “I like knowing that I’m making a difference, helping people. But tonight, I didn’t.”

“I’m no firefighter,” the leader said, “but I don’t think there’s anything you could have done differently tonight. You certainly couldn’t have stopped the volcano.”

“Unless you do have the power to control nature,” another member added. “And if that were the case, then what the _fuck_ is up with the last couple of months?”

The group chucked, and TK felt the first smile since before everything grace his lips.

“My crew and my boyfriend are all there for me and everything, but I don’t think they understand how when a call goes bad, I can’t just have a beer to drown my sorrows or quiet my fears. Because it’s never _just_ a beer. And I’m not saying they’re not going through something too, but it’s just… different.”

“It is,” the leader agreed. “And that’s why you’re here. Because even if we don’t know what it’s like to be a firefighter, we do know what it’s like to fight to make the choice to stay sober day after day. And it sounds like that’s a fight you’re winning.”

* * *

When the meeting ended, he didn’t bother calling his dad or Carlos. The church wasn’t too far from Carlos’ apartment, and he figured that a walk would do him good.

The fresh air calmed him down, and he thought that he could almost feel the faintest hint of a chill in the air, despite the humid September weather. It was welcome, especially after the obscene heat of the lava.

As he walked, he found his worries seemed to melt away. The talk with his dad, the meeting, and the prospect of soon being with Carlos realigned his thoughts. 

Yes, something terrible had happened. But no, it wasn’t his fault. And even more, he had so many people around him to help him get his thoughts in line and to keep him safe and sane.

Speaking of…

TK let himself into Carlos’ apartment. Even though the lights were off, he was certain that Carlos was still awake and waiting for him. Carlos was sitting on the steps in front of him, simply waiting. And TK felt a huge weight lift off his shoulders at that. He walked forward, falling up the last few steps into Carlos’ embrace.

“Thank you,” he whispered.

Carlos said nothing, but leaned down and pressed his lips to TK’s hair in a silent kiss that spoke volumes.

It was minutes before they finally broke apart.

“I was so worried when I heard,” Carlos said.

“I’m sorry, I - I didn’t -”

“No,” Carlos interrupted. “Not like that. Marjan let me know what was happening, and I talked to your dad, too. I knew you were fine. I just… I wanted to be there for you.”

TK looked up into Carlos’ eyes. They were filled with a deep sorrow that he knew was for more than the fallen paramedic.

“You are here for me,” TK said. “So much. But - I don’t want my issues to ever become your burden. Sometimes, I just need to vent and let it out on someone I don’t care about.”

“You know that I care for you, right? All your crap, it’s my crap, too. I don’t care.”

“But someday, you might. And that’s not me saying that you’re a bad person. That’s just human. We all have our breaking points, and I don’t want to be yours. I love this too much to ever cause you hurt. I _can’t_ break you.”

Carlos nodded, but didn’t look fully convinced. “Okay,” he said. “I guess I get that. What can I do then?”

“This,” TK said, pulling Carlos’ arm tighter around him. “You make me feel safe, and after a day like today, that’s all I need.”


End file.
